- Your car is no where to be found, it was towed

- Your car is no where to be found, it was stolen bitch!

- Your car is missing a window…and your stereo…and your sunglasses…oh and every other tangible item that has a value of over $2 dollars.

- Your car has a dent or scratch and of course no one would ever leave a note. What do you think they are, stupid?

- Your car has a $55.00 ticket for not having your tired point 10 degrees more towards the curb/being too far from the curb/having an inch of your bumper in the red/because you had the nerve to own a car anywhere in Los Angeles.

TRUST ME. Valet is worth it. You go right there, you look like a thug to whomever you are with, they open your door, greet you, you walk right up to your destination, walk right out, hop in your ride. Beautiful.

Everybody in Hollywood is so jaded from dating here and meeting so many shady ass sketchy crappy people and weirdos and players and heartbrakers, etc. etc. that everyone in response to that puts up a crazy shield or fake personality to protect themselves from getting hurt again while still dating in the shark infested waters of Hollywood. It is a vicious cycle because the shady people/players/playettes/etc. are usually fucked up when it comes to dating because they have been screwed by somebody and so goes the circle.

Here’s the other problem, there are soooo many temptations and beautiful people. Unfortunately many of the beautiful people have the personality of a crawfish and the morals to match (i.e. non-existent as I doubt crawfish have concept of morals). Everyone is fake nails, fake tan, fake hair, fake Prada, fake eye color, fake image. So many people also lie about who they are and what they do, or they sugarcoat it so much that it is practically a lie. Then there are the people who are looking to use people for career advancement/money advancement/image advancement and will literally date simply for that. When you are dating in Hollywood you are literally in a giant pool of people from all over the country and WORLD who moved to Hollywood because of the image and possibilities that Hollywood holds. Everybody wants a reality show of themselves here. Everybody here wants to be a celebrity, to be seen, photographed, followed. How well do you think that state of mind fits into any actual relationship or even seeing some one casually? It doesn’t. UNLESS you put 2 people together that are just as messed up as each other and have the same “desires”. You see these people all the time in Hollywood …oh and they always cheat on each other. Constantly. I know many of these couple personaly and love how as soon as the girl walks away the boyfriend hits on me and the girlfriend gives her phone number to another douche meanwhile.

Exhibit A) http://www.tvgasm.com/newsgasm/heidi-spencer-spiderman-costume.jpg

Exhibit B) http://img.skitch.com/20080409-87x9iid93k2jwt1qy1erfiac8u.jpg

Exhibit C) http://www.lifelounge.com/resources/IMGDETAIL/hot_chicks_with_douchebags.jpg

I find it funny how Jersey has a similar breed of Douchebag that seems to be related to the Hollywood species of Douchebag…

Exhibit A) http://media.hostedfile.com/hostedfile/pdata/53394.jpg

Exhibit B) http://www.thelipstickdiaries.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/hotchicks-douchebags-ed-hardy0000.jpg

1) Sarah Palin – (shes a fame whore and regular whore. I would not be surprise to see her out here).

2) Heidi Montag – The fact that no one has slapped her silly is beyond me. Come on Lauren Conrad stop being such a pussy. Uggg.

3) Miley Cyrus – I would looooove to capture a picture of her tonguing some guy at a 21+ night club with her hands down his pants. I would circulate that picture to every magazine on the planet. The fact that when she was dating that over age model idiot their publicist cleverly had them first publicly display themselves while carrying bibles, wearing crosses, and walking out of church. She is so full of shit.

4) Any of the women from Bridezillas.  Seriously. Need I even explain this one?

5) Jon Gosselin – Also, need I explain this one? The fact that any women go for this guy blows my mind. I would first let him hit on me and then slap the crap out of his Ed Hardy wearing ass.

6) The Bush sister twins – everyone knows they party all the time and get puke faced drunk damn near everytime. I’d get them super smashed and then direct them to the skeesiest guys I know in Hollywood so they can wak up to a nice surprise the next morning. Bitches.

7) Dina Lohan – she literally is like the epitimay of selfish. She uses her children like no other stage parent I have ever seen (minus Joe Jackson). Why is Lindsay Lohan so fucked up? Let’s take a look at the superficial, egotisctical, bitch that we call her “mother”. I think the only thing Dina Lohan ever coddled was Michael Lohan’s balls and her own ego… oh and there is no way in hell that woman does NOT do coke. I am sure that’s where Lindsay learned line snorting from.

The motherfucker has not been punished one god damn bit. I was at HWood Monday (for those of you who don’t know i.e. 99.99999% of you, HWood on Monday is one of the most exclusive nights/clubs in Hollywood right now) and Chris Brown was there. Every one knew Chris Brown was there this past Monday but I didn’t see him anywhere….he’s like an Ike Turner ninja. Then I find out he was at Guys and Dolls last night chillin. WTF? How has some drunk guy in an Ed Hardy shirt with a bad ego/tiny penis complex/Rihanna obsession not kicked Chris’ ass as soon as he walked into one of these clubs? What’s even more fucked up is that if some one kicked Chris Brown’s ass I bet they would end up in jail with some ridiculous fine, have to take anger management classes, AA, and do community service. Yet Chris beats Rihanna to crap and he’s acting like he just won an award.

If I was a DJ and I found out Chris Brown was in my club I would just play the song “Chris Brown Should Get His Ass Kicked“ over and over and over and then give a shout out to Chris like he is my homie.

A) Obvi they hate their job. They have to drive in one of the most trafficked areas of the world and deal with people constantly hating them.

B) They 99.9999% of the time don’t give a fuck what your excuses are

C) I once parked at a failed meter (because techinically that is legal). It was 2 hour parking I was there for an hour. When I got back they had fixed the failed meter and then ticketed me. Assholes.

D) Parking enforcement people in Hollywood are like Ninjas. U might think, “Oh I will only be in the store for 2 minutes it doesn’t matter.” Then you will come back to your car 2 minutes later and they some how found you, entered your info, wrote a ticket, left it on your car AND they are no where to be seen.

E) Leave the ticket on your car if you are gonna stay there. Dont take it off and then move your car. You might as well just leave it for the rest of the day while you are at it.

F) They will ticket you for shit no other city tickets for. No joke. I didn’t have my wheels turned anough on a grade and they ticketed me. Yay West Hollywood. Also California (especially LA) is in a huge budget crisis. They are looking for your illegally parked ass so they can drain your walet homie.

1) Jon Gosselin wears it. Period.

2) They are branding Ed Hardy cheap wine, hand sanitizer, gum, lighters, they really are close to putting their brand name on real literal douche bags. That is how much they are selling the shit out of their brand name.

3) The exclusive clubs in Hollywood will literally tell people “No Ed Hardy. If you wear Ed Hardy you are not getting in.”

Take note when you walk into a Ross or Marshalls (which I adore) but notice how there are literally racks upon racks upon racks of Ed Hardy clothes. Why? Only people like Aaron Carter are retarded enough to shell out 120 bucks for what looks like the puke of a tattoo artist leprechaun.

I love how soft and powdery the eye shadow is and the lip gloss is soft not too sticky, and great colors. My only problem is that the compact is kind of fat, about 2 inches tall and 2 inches wide. I would like it better if they could make it 4 inches wide and only and inch tall so it would fit in my skinny clutches for all my nights at Les Deux, Halo or Bar Deluxe. I can’t be carrying a fatty compact in a tiny bag people! Otherwise I adore it and it is fine in my giant BCBG satchel.

Check it out at Target’s site below;

http://www.target.com/Pixi-Natural-Mineral-Makeup-Kit/dp/B001BQD8JC

The TRUE Hollywood; these are the people who slide under the average person’s radar, their style is not in your face (while it may be classy, or vintage, GAP or GUCCI, they are chillin. These people are the executives of NBC, the writers of The Office, the A & B list celebrities (movie/music/sports/tv) stars. Academy award holders and nominees. Grammy winning song writers.

The FAKE Wannabe Hollywood: These are the club runners, the cheesy “fashion designers”, the former reality show stars, the porn stars, the wanna be actors and models. The girls who work at Hooters 3 days a week and do nothing else but club hop. The people who have $500 bucks to their name but go buy bottles. The guy wearing an Ed Hardy bedazzled shirt that’s too tight with too much jewelry and obnoxious sunglasses. The person who says “Do you know who I am?” or “I know every celebrity…they are all in my cell phone.” Theya re the girls who spend 50bucks on nails and 100bucks on hair bleach and a couple grand on bad boob jobs but have been sleeping on their friend’s couch for the last 6months. Don’t be fooled, all those shiny things and all the plastic and booze does not make these people what makes Hollywood what it is.

Sure the FAKE Hollywood wannabes are part of it, but if you want real TRUE Hollywood check out the guy in the glasses and old Converses writing in a notebook at Coffee Bean cuz he is probably writing the lastest episode of Entourage. Or check out the girl with her hair in a messy bun in tennis shoes,a giant purse, practically no make up, a white t-shirt and 2 Blackberries. She is probably Katie Holmes’ assistant.

Fucking Miley Cyrus has no time to take care of a dog. U see her dog with her like once a year and when you do see it it is in a purse with a bow in  its hair.

When am I gonna see some hot bitch like Megan Fox walking up the street with a giant mastiff mutt mix or a rescued Pit Bull? That is so much sexier and hotter than some stupid little yapper with a tutu on.